7 Things a Therapist Wants You to Know

There’s a misconception that therapists are all-knowing beings with all the right answers to life’s challenges, but this is simply not the case. We’re human first, with all of the layers and history that comes with it, and I think it’s so important to keep that in mind if you’re looking for - or currently working with - a therapist.

Here are 7 things I want you to know…

I want the best for you, but I don’t know what is best for you

When we’re children, we become accustomed to other people making decisions about what’s best for us. As we get older and begin to gain some independence and establish our own identities, we start making decisions for ourselves. This is a way for us to figure out what is best for us and to take responsibility for, and ownership of, our choices.

As a therapist, it isn’t my job to tell you what is the “right” thing to do; I don’t live your life, I don’t have your experiences and relationships, and so on. Instead, my job is to help you to reach an understanding of what is best for you for yourself. It might feel intimidating and overwhelming to make decisions based on what feels right for you instead of following what someone else thinks, but it’s important as a way for you to carve your own path in life.

I don’t know my clients better than they know themselves

Don’t get me wrong, I often feel like I know my clients quite well if we’ve worked together for a while, but I absolutely don’t know them better than they know themselves.

There are times when we’re discussing an issue that they’ve been struggling with for a while and I might offer a suggestion or different way of thinking about it that they haven’t considered before that seems to resonate for them.

That doesn’t mean that I know better, only that I can see things from a different perspective in accordance with my own experiences and beliefs about people and the world (my “frame of reference”), and that I can offer that to them.

I will think about you between sessions and when we’re no longer working together

My investment in you goes beyond our session time together, and this isn’t just in a practical admin or “business-y” way.

I will often think about you when I see or hear something that reminds me of you, or I learn a new technique that I think might be helpful for you.

I will be rooting for you when you’re facing challenges and when I get to witness your growth and change.

I will often reflect on the work we’ve done together and where we might go next.

And when we’re no longer working together, I’ll still think about you from time-to-time, wonder how you’re doing and have to remind myself that I probably won’t ever know the answer.

Sometimes therapy is really, really hard

As a therapist having regular therapy over many years myself, I still find it incredibly hard sometimes! I’ve had my own therapy sessions where I’ve cried for the entire hour, sessions where I’ve been so dissociated that I can’t recall anything I’ve talked about with my therapist, and I’ve had sessions where I have felt stuck and lost and helpless.

Yet from all of the incredibly tough sessions I’ve had, I have grown so much and learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Gradually, the psychological defence mechanisms that I’ve relied on to keep me “safe” emotionally have started to ease off and aren’t the “default setting” for me. I’m living proof that therapy is life-changing, and I really do appreciate how hard it can be.

This is the power of therapy: the more open we are to feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable, the more growth and change we’ll experience, not only within ourselves but in relation to those around us. When we understand ourselves, our stories and the impact our experiences have had on us, we can grow.

If I say I can’t work with you, that isn’t a comment on you

As a therapist, I have an ethical responsibility to make sure that I’m working within my competencies and appropriate boundaries. Sometimes, a person will contact me to enquire about having therapy with me and I have to say no.

This might be because the issue they want to work on isn’t something I work with, or because I get the sense that my way of working isn’t what they want, or I have a feeling that we’re not the right fit for each other.

It isn’t about who they are as a person because I believe that everyone is fundamentally okay, but rather that my intuition tells me something isn’t right about the potential therapeutic relationship.

You are not “too difficult” to work with

Leading on from my last point, it’s important to know that you’re not “too difficult” to work with. There are all sorts of reasons why therapy might not have worked for you in the past, but that doesn’t mean that therapy can’t ever work for you.

Maybe you weren’t as ready as you thought you were before? Maybe the type of therapy didn’t connect with you? Or perhaps you didn’t feel like you could build a relationship with the therapist? Whatever the reason, please know that the right therapist is out there, and you’re not “too difficult” to work with.

Sometimes I will get things wrong

The great thing about therapy is that it’s a space in which you can have a different experience of relating to another person than the ones you might have had before. This means that there is always an opportunity to address things that might be uncomfortable and upsetting for you in a new way, and if you feel like I’ve “missed” you in some way, we can work together to explore and address it.

In therapy language, we call these moments “ruptures”, and it’s when the real person, feeling or need gets missed, leaving them with feelings like anger, hurt, sadness or shame. Although I’m a therapist, I’m a person too with all of my own experiences and history, so I can’t guarantee that I won’t ever get things wrong because occasionally - and without realising it - my own stuff might get in the way.

The important thing is that I am always open and willing to discuss it so that I can understand what’s happened, and hopefully repair the relationship if possible. I work with the philosophy that some of the best therapy - and growth and change! - can emerge from ruptures, so I’m always up for working through them.

I hope that this post has given you some insight and reassurance that therapists are human first! We learn, grow and change from our work with our clients, just as our clients learn, grow and change from their work with us. It’s an ongoing, evolving process, and it fascinates and delights me every single day!

As ever, if you’re struggling with your mental health and think that I might be the therapist for you, please feel free to get in touch with me. You can contact me via Instagram and Facebook @emmapooleytherapy, or via email at emma@emmapooleytherapy.com to book a free 30-minute consultation and we can see if we’d like to work together.