Boundaries: What They Are & Why They Matter
In this post, I’ll be exploring a topic that is probably one of the most talked-about in therapy: boundaries. Most clients who come for therapy have little-to-no-experience of healthy boundaries being modelled, established, maintained and respected. They have usually learned that having boundaries is “mean” and “controlling”, and that they’re used as a form of “punishment”.
As I explain to clients, boundaries are a vital part of maintaining our wellbeing as well as our relationships with the people around us. Boundaries help us to set out clear expectations and limitations, and are a way to navigate living a life that aligns with our values.
They’re an agreement we make with ourselves about how we will treat others and expect to be treated in response, and we can use them as a way of recognising when we need to remove ourselves from relationships and situations that are potentially or actively harmful.
Types of boundaries
I’ve highlighted different types of boundaries that we need to maintain a healthy balance in life below, and whilst some of them may be obvious, others may not be. You may find it easy to identify lots of boundaries that you have that fall into one or two types, and there may be others that you realise you really need to establish and begin to maintain!
The aim with this is to be able to recognise where you may be regularly over-stretching yourself, what needs to change to regain a healthier balance, and how you might go about doing this. Alongside a brief overview of what each boundary type is, I’ve also included some examples of the boundaries that you could put in place.
Physical boundaries
It’s common for people to have experienced their physical boundaries being ignored and disrespected, even in childhood. For example, as children, many people would have been told to hug relatives even if they didn't want to because “it’s polite”. This meant that the message that got reinforced was that their boundaries (and in turn, feelings of comfort and safety) mattered less than maintaining a social image of “politeness”.
Physical boundaries can look like:
choosing not to shake hands / hug people when meeting them, and instead keeping a physical distance;
leaving a physical gap between you and the people around you in public spaces and on public transport (where possible);
not expressing anger / frustration by physically lashing out at other people or destroying objects and property.
Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries are about taking responsibility for managing your own emotions, and doing what you need to do to ground yourself again if you feel overwhelmed by them. The aim is to not allow your emotions to dictate your behaviours / words / actions, and instead to treat them as information that will guide your response.
Emotional boundaries can look like:
not responding to a call / text / email when you’re too angry / hurt / upset to be able to communicate clearly and actively listen to what the other person has to say;
checking with another person that they’re able to hold space for you before venting about something that’s bothered you;
not “trauma-dumping” onto others (this is when someone “dumps” their traumatic experiences onto others without checking if they’re okay with them sharing, then the person who has “dumped” the trauma moves on to something / someone else, leaving the other person holding a lot of stuff they haven’t asked to hold).
Relational boundaries
As social animals, we need to form relationships with other people to survive, and this is why relational boundaries are some of the most challenging ones to establish and maintain. We want to be accepted and connected, and many people are taught that having boundaries will make them a “bad” and “unlikeable” person.
Relational boundaries can look like:
choosing not to have a relationship with relatives who don’t accept you for who you are;
choosing not to maintain a relationship with people who have harmed you (this includes physical, sexual, emotional, financial and psychological harm);
being selective about the personal relationships you establish with people you work with, and avoiding having so-called “dual relationships” where there is likely to be a conflict of interest whenever possible (for therapists, this means not having the same person to be your personal therapist and your clinical supervisor).
Financial boundaries
We all have “money stories”, which can be the stories we’ve picked up from other people about money, as well as the ones we tell ourselves about it, and the ones based on our experiences. These stories influence our attitudes to spending and saving, as well as our beliefs about what is “enough”.
When it comes to establishing financial boundaries, it’s easy to do so from a place of fear about being judged as “mean”, and therefore the boundaries are about pleasing other people, rather than doing what’s right for you.
Financial boundaries can look like:
not lending money to people that you know from experience will have no intention of paying you back;
prioritising investing in things that help you to maintain your health and wellbeing;
creating and sticking to a monthly budget that means your spending is in line with what you can afford;
choosing to only spend your money on items and services that align with your values.
Energetic boundaries
There will be some days when you feel like you’ve got all the energy in the world, find it easy to breeze through meetings and to-do lists, and still have energy at the end of the day. And then there will be some days when you barely have the energy to get out of bed, let alone do anything else, and feel exhausted all the time.
You may find that certain events and / or people affect your energy too, and that you need to adjust your energetic boundaries accordingly.
Energetic boundaries can look like:
taking time before and after an event that uses lots of your energy to reset and recharge;
protecting times when you tend to have more energy for the tasks that will require more of it;
changing your mind about / declining a social invitation if you don’t have the energy for it.
Time boundaries
Time is the thing that most people say they wish they had more of to be able to do the things that are meaningful for them. Of course life can be unpredictable and busy, and sometimes we have to put time into things that don’t necessarily feel as good for us. And yet, we can choose to put boundaries in place to protect the time we do have.
Time boundaries can look like:
starting and finishing work in your agreed working hours, and not working overtime;
making and protecting regular time for your hobbies and interests, as well as sleep, eating and exercise;
giving yourself permission to only stay at an event for as long as feels manageable for you;
being clear about how much time you have for a call at the start, and wrapping it up at that time.
Why boundaries matter
Boundaries are NOT about trying to control other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours (none of us has that power or responsibility!) but are about how we choose to respond to how other people express these things. Many people struggle with boundaries because they have developed a default people-pleasing mechanism that means they will automatically treat what the other wants and / or needs as more important than their own.
Although people-pleasing is often regarded as “niceness”, it isn’t kind to ourselves or to others in the long-run. When people-pleasing is the default and boundaries are neglected, it’s common for resentment to build up, which can lead to further anger and upset, and result in everybody feeling hurt in the end.
Boundaries require regular maintenance and reviews to make sure they’re serving us in the best way. You can adapt and update your boundaries at anytime, and to best reflect what you want and need for individual situations, and the healthiest boundaries tend to be the ones that are firm but flexible. This matters because they enable us to make choices that are in alignment with our values and what is best for us, rather than what might be best for other people.
Each individual’s boundaries will be unique to them, even if there are a lot of similarities between them, and the reasoning behind them will also be different, depending on each individual’s personal history and experience. This is why there is no single “right” way to establish and maintain boundaries, and why we need to be respectful of other people’s boundaries, without pushing them to justify their reasoning for them.
Boundaries are multi-layered, and it takes practice and trial-and-error to work out what’s best for you. They’re about being able to advocate for yourself, regardless of how others respond, and it’s scary to start doing this if you’re used to adapting to please others. As with any new skill, it gets easier the more you do it, and doing so will enable you to get more of what you actually want and need in your life.
Remember that it is your responsibility to communicate your boundaries to other people, and it is unfair and unreasonable to expect them to “just know” what they are. Make sure that the boundaries you put in place are ones that you’re able to action in practice, e.g. if you say that you will end a telephone call if the other person continues to shout at you, you follow through with this if that happens.
I hope that this post has given you some useful insights into the types of boundaries you can set, and why they’re so important. As this is such a huge topic, I plan to share a series of posts on it that will cover different aspects of boundary-setting in the future, so do keep an eye out for those if you’re interested in learning more.
As ever, thank you for reading. If you’re struggling and think I might be therapist for you, feel free to get in touch and let’s see if we can work together. You can contact me: using the form below; via email to emma@emmapooleytherapy.com, or find me on Facebook and Instagram @emmapooleytherapy.