How Will I Know If I’ve Found the Right Therapist for Me?

Therapy is a unique, deeply personal process, and it’s important to find the right therapist for you. If you’re in the process of looking for a therapist, you may find it helpful to take a look at my post that focuses on what to look out for here first.

If you have already found a therapist and started working with them, I hope that this post gives you some useful insights into ways you can identify if the therapist is right for you.

You feel safe, even when therapy is difficult

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the most important thing human beings need is safety. This isn’t only in a physical sense of having shelter and protection from threat, but also psychologically. For many clients, establishing the foundations of safety is crucial for therapy to have any chance of being effective, and safety can be achieved in a number of ways.

Having therapy in the same building - and ideally the same room - each time is often one of the best ways to establish a sense of physical safety. Knowing that therapy is always in the same place helps to alleviate the stress and anxiety of trying to locate somewhere unfamiliar for each session, which can reinforce a feeling of a lack of safety. The consistency of a regular therapy space reduces the need for clients to stay in a hyper-vigilant state of assessing for potential threats, which means that it’s usually easier for them to feel present in therapy.

To feel psychologically safe, we need consistency and to feel like we know where we stand with the people around us. In therapy, this can be established by trusting that you don’t have to walk on eggshells for fear of saying the “wrong” thing and upsetting or angering them. If you ever do make a mistake that stirs an emotional reaction for your therapist, they should be able to stay present and grounded, and to regulate their own emotions whilst exploring things with you.

It stands to reason that if you feel physically and psychologically safe in therapy, you are likely to find it much easier to open up and discuss things that may feel difficult and uncomfortable.

You feel seen and heard by your therapist

When we feel seen and heard, we feel accepted and validated, which is incredibly powerful and healing. Your therapist may show that they “see” you by noticing and naming how they experience your body language, your facial expressions, and the unconscious, automatic responses your body has to express your feelings. My clients are often surprised when I pick up on the tiniest physical responses and ask them about what’s going on (I’m like a puma; nothing gets past me!).

These signals are incredibly helpful because our bodies are usually much further ahead of our brains in recognising and expressing our feelings. When we’re curious about what’s going on in the body, we can begin to unpick what the reactions are about and identify themes and patterns.

Your therapist may show that they “hear” you by remembering details about what you’ve told them. This is often the stuff that appears to be insignificant on the surface, like a TV programme you’ve enjoyed, as well as the “obvious” things like the names of important people in your life. Recalling details like these shows that your therapist has actively listened to what you’ve told them, which will help to build trust in them and the therapeutic relationship.

The uniqueness of the therapy experience is in the way that the process is focused on you and your stuff, and that your therapist gives you the space to be seen and heard. Even if you’re talking about other people, your therapist will keep bringing it back to you and what’s coming up for you. This may feel very weird and perhaps even threatening at first, especially if you’re used to being missed and ignored, but hopefully over time, it will feel easier.

You look forward to sessions, even if they’re likely to be challenging

One of my favourite pieces of feedback I get from clients is along the lines of, “I find myself weirdly looking forward to therapy, even when I know it’s likely to be hard!”. Statements like this tell me two things: the first is that the client feels safe enough in therapy to manage and respond to any challenges that come up, and the second is that they value the process of therapy, even if they’re unsure exactly what might be happening.

Therapy is a bit like going to the gym: there will be days when it’s the last thing you want to do, and it feels impossible and pointless, but you get up and go along anyway. When you get past the initial response and move into action, you’re likely to come away feeling much better for having been, even if it was a tough workout. The same principle applies to therapy sessions.

It’s also important to remember that your therapist will want to know if you’re struggling to find the motivation for sessions. This is because it is likely to be part of a deeper process that will be useful to unpick and explore as part of the therapeutic work, so do tell your therapist if you find that you’re not looking forward to sessions.

You feel safe enough to challenge and / or disagree with your therapist

Your therapy is about you, and you are the expert on yourself. This means that there will be times when your therapist offers some thoughts and reflections in response to what you’ve shared that don’t connect or “feel right” for you. That’s okay and completely normal; therapists aren’t mind-readers, so we’re always looking for feedback to help us to better understand our clients and their experiences.

There may also be times when your therapist “misses” you in some way, which leaves you feeling hurt, angry or confused. These moments are called ruptures, and we’ll look at what these are in more detail in a moment. The key thing to remember is that it’s okay to raise this with your therapist and take time to explore it, if you feel that there’s an opportunity and openness to repair on both sides.

You trust that if there’s a rupture in the therapeutic relationship, there’s also opportunity for repair

Every relationship will have moments of “rupture”, which is when the authentic person, feeling or need gets missed leaving one or both people feeling angry, sad or confused. Ruptures are normal and to be expected, but the risk of them happening can be scary, which can lead to people avoiding addressing difficult and uncomfortable issues for fear of it causing a rupture.

This is often the case for people who have experienced ruptures that have escalated into confrontation or being “ghosted”, which usually results in things being left unresolved for one, if not more, of the people involved. If this is the familiar process that goes on for you in response to a rupture, then the idea of experiencing a rupture in a therapeutic relationship may feel particularly threatening.

One of the key purposes of therapy is to have a different experience of a relationship, a relationship in which you are accepted for who you are, not who somebody wants or expects you to be. A huge difference in the therapeutic relationship is how therapists will - usually - endeavour to address and repair ruptures in the therapy with clients. If you trust that your therapist will be open to understanding why the rupture has happened, as well as how it can be repaired, that’s a great sign that they’re the right therapist for you.

I hope that this post has highlighted some of the signs that you’ve found the right therapist for you. As ever, if you have any other suggestions or reflections, do get in touch with me; I’d love to hear what you think.

At the time of writing this post, my caseload is at full capacity, so I’m not currently taking on new clients. If you’re interested in working with me in future, please keep an eye on my Facebook and Instagram pages @emmapooleytherapy, or check back on my website for the latest updates.