How Will I Know If Therapy Is Working?

Of all the questions I get asked, this has to be in the top 3! Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to it, but hopefully this post will go some way towards doing so. I’ll start by explaining some of the reasons why people have therapy and how understanding the “why” helps to uncover if it’s working, and then I’ll highlight 3 of the potential signs that therapy is indeed working for you.

So, without further ado, let’s dive in…

Let’s start with why people have therapy in the first place…

The key thing that every single person who has therapy has in common is that they want something to change. Whether this is a feeling state, a relationship dynamic, or a negative thought cycle, identifying what’s motivating someone to have therapy is a vital part of determining the likelihood that it will work for them.

It’s also important because we can unpick whether having therapy is their own choice or if they’re having it because someone else wants them to do so. People who feel “forced” to have therapy are less likely to find it beneficial or effective because they’re not motivated to engage for themselves.

When we think about why people have therapy in the first place, it becomes much easier to identify the signs as to whether or not it’s working for them because there’s a benchmark that we’re working towards. For example, if a client has identified that they want to set and maintain healthier boundaries, we can work on outlining what these might be and how the client will know they’re doing this. If we understand this, we can begin to recognise the shifts that have taken place for them that show that they’re getting what they need from therapy.

So how will I know if therapy is working?

Given that every person who has therapy will have different aims and motivations for doing so, the signs that it’s working will also be different for each individual. The examples I’ve given here are based on my experience of some of the most common issues that clients want to address in therapy, and are likely to resonate for a lot of people.

You’re finding it easier to take responsibility for establishing and maintaining your boundaries

One of the most important shifts I see in clients that indicates that therapy is working for them is when they tell me about instances where they’ve established and maintained boundaries that they didn’t have before. This could be around things like working hours, when and how they will connect with family and friends, and saying no to things that they don’t want to do / get involved with / aren’t aligned with their values or where they’re at in their lives.

Most people haven’t had much experience of healthy boundaries being modelled to them by those around them. They may have learned that they are responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and have to minimise themselves in response. Learning to establish and maintain boundaries is an ongoing process, and one that takes practice, but when you find it easier to do so, it’s usually a sign that therapy is working because you recognise the importance of taking care of yourself as well as others.

You have a good relationship with the therapist you’re working with, and feel safe as well as challenged

If you feel like you can be open and honest with your therapist, therapy is likely to be much more effective. This is because you’re more likely to talk about what’s really going on for you, rather than what you think you “should” be talking about.

The relationship you build with your therapist will ideally give you a different experience of relationships in general. For example, if you grew up being told by those around you that you needed to be different or hide things about who you really are, you probably developed a belief that it’s unsafe for you to be yourself.

Your therapist should give you permission to be yourself, and if you’re unsure who you really are when you let go of other people’s perceptions and expectations, they should give you the time and space to explore this. Part of this exploration is about challenging old thoughts, feelings and beliefs, and although this may feel uncomfortable and challenging at times, it shouldn’t feel unsafe.

If you ever do feel unsafe in therapy, it’s important to let your therapist know about this if you can, as this will help them to understand what’s happened and why you’re feeling that way. Please remember that you can “put the brakes on” at any point, and your therapist should support you to feel more grounded again if you do so.

You’ve noticed changes in your thought, feeling and / or behaviour patterns, and / or you’re getting feedback from others who have noticed changes in you

Maybe you notice that you respond differently to something that would have angered or upset you before. Perhaps someone pays you a compliment or praises you for something, and instead of brushing it off, you allow yourself to take it on board. Or maybe you find it easier to be present and simply notice what’s around you, rather than feeling the need to distract yourself all the time.

Noticing that something is different, even if you can’t quite identify what it is, is often a sign that therapy is working.

The other sign that therapy is working is in the response and feedback you get from other people. It’s very common to find that other people will tell you about a change they’ve noticed in you, even if you haven’t noticed it yourself. Perhaps a work colleague notices that you’ve started taking your lunch hour and move away from your desk to do so, or that you’re only working your actual work hours and not doing any work outside those hours.

Maybe you would usually get into a shouting match with your partner when they’ve done or said something that upsets you, but you’ve been able to stay calm and express how you feel without getting into an argument, and your partner finds it easier to work things out with you as a result. You may not have even realised that you’ve responded differently, so getting feedback from someone else can be incredibly helpful and validating.

These types of changes may be very gradual over a long period of time, and you may not notice them immediately, but when you do, it’s likely that you’ll feel like therapy is “working” for you.

I hope that this post has given you some insight into how to recognise some of the signs that therapy is working. It may be that only one or even none of these signs resonate for you, but if you’re in therapy already, it may be worth taking some time to reflect on your experience with your therapist.

And as ever, if you’re struggling and think that I might be the therapist for you, feel free to get in touch and let’s see if we can work together. You can contact me: using the form below; via email to emma@emmapooleytherapy.com, or on Facebook and Instagram @emmapooleytherapy.