7 Things You Can Expect From Your Therapist
If you’ve never had therapy before, the idea of talking to a stranger about yourself and your life may feel terrifying. The key thing to remember is that every therapist is a human first, and has probably had therapy themselves, so understands what it’s like to be in your shoes.
In this post, I’ll share 7 things that you can expect from your therapist, so read on to learn more.
Curiosity
Some people say therapists are “nosy” because we love to ask our clients lots of questions about who they are and what brought them to therapy! I prefer to call it “professional curiosity” because we’re not just asking questions to get answers, we’re asking questions so that we can develop a deeper understanding of our clients.
I believe that therapists should be curious about their clients and their stories, but they should also be curious about their own responses towards their clients, including how they think and feel about them. This is because therapy is a relational process, which means that I see the relationship between therapist and client as a hugely significant part of therapy being effective.
Our clients may share things that hook into our own “stuff”, and we don’t always realise that this has happened right away. This is why therapists have regular supervision: we can talk about our responses to the client and explore the reasons behind them, as well as being able to work out if it’s due to a “projection” of something from the client onto us, or our projection of our own stuff back onto the client.
The technical terms for this are transference and counter-transference, and one of the ways therapists can identify that this might be playing out is by asking the client if they (the therapist) reminds them (the client) of anyone, or by asking themselves if the client reminds them of anyone.
Validation
Let’s clear something up early doors: this is not about giving people a “free pass” for actions that are harmful to others. Therapists are not in the business of condoning or excusing this, but we are interested in developing an understanding of why those choices were the ones that were made.
This is often about validating the feeling behind the behaviour, without condoning the behaviour itself. Any and all feelings are valid, even the dark, frightening and uncomfortable ones; it’s about what we do in response to those feelings that’s important.
Healing happens when our stories are shared and heard, and our feelings and experiences are validated by others. This is why therapy is so powerful.
Understanding
“To understand and be understood” is one of the key philosophies I hold onto in my work. If I’m going to be able to give the client the right support for them, I need to understand how they’ve come to be as they are, as well as how they see the world (their “frame of reference”).
This means that I have to put my own beliefs aside so that I can step into their shoes, and when I do this, I can be curious about them. I will ask clients questions about what it’s like to be them and to see and experience the world as they do, as well as what it’s like to share this with me.
A lot of people hold a fear that they’re “too weird” for therapy because their worldview doesn’t necessarily fit with the societal “norm”. In response to this, I would always encourage you to bring all of your weird to therapy. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll be shocked; in fact, I’ll probably be even more fascinated and curious!
Honesty
Therapists should model honesty in their work, especially if they expect clients to be honest with them. When we can be honest and “speak our truth”, we are showing that we have trust in the relationship for it to be welcomed, and that it will help things to move forward in the long run.
Sometimes, this will mean that a therapist says something a client might not want to hear, but the therapist believes that the client needs to hear it in order to process it and work through it differently. A therapist should always have the client’s best interests at heart when they are being honest about something, and they should be mindful of the potential impact their honesty could have on the client and on the therapeutic relationship.
Respect
In order for therapy to be effective, clients need to be able to share their vulnerabilities. They may have had distressing experiences in their life, or things that they hold difficult feelings about, such as shame, which they need to discuss0.
Therapists should be conscious of how challenging this can be for clients, and be respectful of the client’s right to decide when they feel ready to talk about things, as well as exactly what they want to talk about. If a therapist ignores this and tries to push the client to fulfil their own agenda, the client may feel pressured to do so in order to “please” the therapist, which can be incredibly harmful.
It’s also important for a therapist to be respectful of their client’s identity in the kaleidoscope of ways that this presents. They should also be respectful of their client’s choices, even if those choices aren’t ones they would have made themselves. Judgment is the last thing anyone needs from a therapist!
Authenticity
Therapists are human first, and we have flaws and make mistakes, just like any other human. We also have good days and not-so-good days, as well as lives outside our work that can sometimes have an impact on how we do our jobs.
An ethical therapist won’t share lots of personal details about themselves and what’s going on in their lives with you - it’s your therapy, not theirs after all - but they should be authentic and genuine in what they do share with you.
For example, it may be that they have a strong emotional response in the moment to something you tell them in a session, and they choose to acknowledge that and invite you to consider your own feelings. It’s unlikely that they will go into why they’ve had that reaction, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’ve had it.
Boundaries
Clear and consistent boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially in therapy. It’s important that a therapist is clear about their boundaries with things like: communication outside the session time; payments, including for any cancelled or missed sessions, and managing the time of sessions (e.g. they are on time and ready to start, and finish at the agreed time).
They should also be consistent in holding their boundaries, as this gives clients a feeling of safety and reassurance that their therapist won’t be “hot and cold” with them. If appropriate, the therapist may explain why the boundary is in place, as understanding this can give clients useful examples of boundaries they can adapt and use in their own lives.
For clients who have little to no experience of healthy boundaries being established and maintained, therapy can give them a valuable insight into how it can be done in a way that helps everyone to feel safe. This can be one of the most powerful and helpful aspects of therapy, and it’s something we can all benefit from!
I hope that this post has given you some reassurance about what to expect from your therapist. If you’re in the process of finding a therapist, remember that your instincts are usually right, so if something feels “off”, it probably is.
As ever, if you’re struggling and think I might be the therapist for you, why not get in touch with me to see if we’re a good fit to work together? You can contact me using the form below, via email to emma@emmapooleytherapy.com, or on Facebook and Instagram @emmapooleytherapy.