A Therapist’s Guide to Stress

Stress and burnout are some of the most frequently recurring themes in my client work, and it’s an incredibly difficult cycle to break. I know this from experience, as I’ve had an extremely unhealthy relationship with stress over the years, which has caused me to burn out spectacularly on several occasions.

The biggest struggle for me was that I believed that needing to rest and take a break was a sign of weakness, and that I would be seen as incapable of doing anything if I admitted that I was struggling with even one thing.

It meant that I would keep pushing on, even when things were overwhelming me to such an extent that I wasn’t eating or sleeping properly, had no social life, and was struggling to keep on top of anything. It was a harsh lesson, and so I now take regular time off, prioritise things that help me to stay well, especially my personal therapy and exercise, and find it much easier to ask for help if I feel overwhelmed.

In this post, I’ll answer some of the most frequently asked questions about stress, identify common symptoms that can indicate you’re feeling stressed, as well as offering some tips as to how you can manage stress and build your resilience.

What’s a “normal” level of stress?

Let’s start with one of the most frequently asked - and difficult to answer - questions! It’s important to emphasise that there will always be some stress in life, such as problems in relationships or at work when workloads have increased for a specific project / event. The key thing is whether there is more of an “ebb-and-flow” to the stress, or if it presents as a constant state of being; if it’s the latter, then it’s likely that it’s shifted into an abnormal level of stress.

What’s considered a “normal” level of stress will vary from person to person, and our tolerance for different levels and types of stress will also be different for each individual. One of the ways you may be able to work out what a “normal” level of stress looks like for you is to reflect on how stress was managed and normalised in your childhood, as this will impact how you deal with it in the present.

For example, if you grew up in a stable environment where your primary caregiver(s) worked in stressful roles or juggled many different responsibilities, but had developed healthier coping mechanisms to manage their stress, such as talking about their feelings and exercising regularly, then it’s likely that you will have learned to mirror this when managing stress in your own life.

If, however, you grew up in an unpredictable and chaotic environment where your primary caregiver(s) relied on less healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress, such as excessive use of alcohol and / or drugs, it’s likely that you will be more inclined to do the same. As always this isn’t a guaranteed outcome, but there is a greater likelihood of it.

As a very general rule, if feelings of stress and overwhelm last for more than 4 weeks, that’s usually a sign that it’s no longer at a “normal” level.

Symptoms of stress

Here are some of the most common symptoms of stress:

Physical pain / aches, including panic attacks

Unable to “switch off” from work

Forgetfulness

Struggling to concentrate / focus

Lack of motivation / hyper-motivated

Loss of appetite / eating more

Drinking / smoking more

Insomnia / nightmares

Low / no libido

Stress will present differently in each person, and our bodies will often alert us to stress before our brains catch up. If you’re experiencing some or most of these symptoms, stress may well be behind them.

Toxic productivity

You may have come across the term “toxic productivity”, which is a phrase that’s used to describe an unhealthy need and desire to be productive at all times, whatever the cost. During the Covid lockdowns, many people reported that they were struggling to switch off from work or household tasks, and had taken up new hobbies as a way to fill time and “keep busy”.

When we get into a cycle of toxic productivity, we need to be on-the-go all the time, and will also focus on what we haven’t been able to get done, rather than on what we’ve accomplished. If you’re employed or your work is overseen by someone else, you may find that you fixate on the hours you’re putting into tasks because you want to show them how hard you’re working. The reality is that they are likely to be more concerned with what you’ve accomplished than how many hours you’ve put into getting it done.

If this resonates for you, I would encourage you to start shifting the balance towards prioritising rest and downtime, and holding your boundaries with your working hours. Schedule things you enjoy doing into your diary as you would any other appointment, and make a commitment to stick to it. When we have a balance in our lives, we build our resilience and feel happier and healthier as a result.

Addiction

If we are stressed for a sustained period of time, we can become addicted to the “high” of it. This is due to the hormones that are released when we’re stressed (cortisol and adrenaline), which put us into “fight or flight” mode. Our brains and bodies adapt to being in this state, and so if things begin to calm down again, we may find ourselves seeking out situations that restart the stress cycle to get the “high” back.

We are not designed to be in this heighted state for long periods of time, and the impact on our bodies and brains can be dramatic. Some of the physical issues that stress can lead to are: high blood pressure, excessive weight gain / loss, migraines, panic attacks. Studies have shown that stress alters the structure of the brain, so it’s something to be aware of and always worth taking proactive steps to address as soon as possible.

Stress can also lead to other addictions becoming a coping mechanism to attempt to avoid burnout. Some of the most common are: caffeine, sugar, exercise, eating (too much or too little), alcohol, and drugs (prescribed and non-prescribed).

How can I tell if I’m burning out?

Burnout is sneaky, and it can creep up on you before you realise what’s happening, but there are a few ways to tell if you’re burning out:

• You’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted most, if not all, of the time;

• You’re struggling to switch off from work;

• You’re experiencing frequent mood swings, e.g. bursts of anger to crying;

• You’re struggling to focus on tasks;

• You’re finding that you don’t enjoy the things you usually do, such as hobbies.

This list isn’t exhaustive, and as is the case with the symptoms of stress, burnout may present differently for everyone.

Managing stress & building resilience

It’s important to make time to check in with yourself regularly, as this will help you to identify when your stress levels are spiking early enough to take steps to address it. Remember that comparing your stress with other people’s is a waste of energy, as is making assumptions about the source of it; what’s stressful for you may not be for someone else, and that’s okay.

Here are some suggestions for how you can build your resilience:

Regularly talk about how you’re feeling - this could be with a partner, friend, colleague or therapist;

Delegate where you can - anything that doesn’t have to be done by you can be delegated to someone else;

Make time for hobbies, socialising and relaxing - we all need downtime, and these things boost overall wellbeing as well as increasing creativity and problem-solving;

Exercise will release “feel-good” hormones - even a 20-minute walk every day will do this;

Stick to a routine, especially with sleep - this will help you to have a sense of being in control of something, even if everything around you is out of it;

Minimise working outside your regular working hours - set working hours are there to give containment to your work, so avoid getting into the habit of allowing work to seep into your personal time;

Take regular breaks of varying frequency whenever you can – if you’re employed, take all of your annual leave each year, as it’s there to be used and it’s unlikely anyone else will encourage you to do so. It may help to schedule it in as far in advance in your calendar / diary as you can so that you commit to it;

Remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness - everyone struggles from time-to-time, and asking for help and support is always the best choice in the long-run.

I hope that this post has given you some insights into how stress can manifest, as well as some useful tips to manage it differently. As ever, if you’re struggling and think I might be the therapist for you, feel free to get in touch and let’s see if we can work together. You can contact me using the form below, via email to emma@emmapooleytherapy.com, or on Facebook and Instagram @emmapooleytherapy.