I’m a Therapist Who Has Therapy; Here’s 7 Things I’ve Learned After 7 Years As A Client
If you’ve followed me on social media for a while, or have come across my blog before, it’s likely that you’ll know that I’m a therapist who has therapy. I’ve always been open about this for two reasons: firstly, I think it’s important to normalise having therapy in the same way we’ve normalised going to the gym, and secondly, I believe that it makes a difference for clients who work with me to know that I have lots of experience of what it’s like to be in the client chair!
This week marks 7 years since my first therapy session, so it feels like a good time to share some of the things I’ve learned in the many, many hours that have passed since then.
It’s a significant investment
This investment isn’t only in the financial sense (though of course that’s a hugely important thing to consider), but also in time, the therapeutic relationship, and in yourself. Getting to the depths of what’s going on requires time, patience and perseverance, and there are likely to be lots of sessions where very little seems to be changing.
As with any investment, the more you invest into therapy, the higher the potential return (in this case, personal growth and change). There may be “downturns” in the sense of therapy feeling like really hard work or as though nothing much is shifting and changing for a while, and other times when it feels like you’re making lots of progress.
I’ve learned that even in the times when “nothing’s happening”, it turns out that lots of things have been settling and integrating outside my conscious awareness. There may have been weeks of the “nothing”, and then all of a sudden, I realise that more dots have joined up, or something I’ve been struggling with has resolved itself.
Sometimes it will feel so tough, you’ll want to quit
The nature of therapy means that a lot of shit will get stirred up, including things that you thought you’d already sorted out and / or “got over”. Even after all these years of therapy, it still happens to me, and I often feel blind-sided and frustrated by it. I can get hooked back in to the narrative that I should have “fixed” things by now, and have to remind myself that we are all ongoing ‘works-in-progress’, and there’s no such thing as being “fixed”.
There have been lots of times when I’ve uncovered more dark, murky, and uncomfortable stuff during a session, which has meant that therapy has felt even more challenging than usual. Connecting with this type of stuff can feel overwhelming, and I’ve felt like quitting as a result because it seemed impossible to get past it and on to something better on the other side.
I’ve learned that sticking with it, even when it’s tough, means that you give yourself a real opportunity to work through things enough to feel like you’ve actually reached a resolution. It’s also useful to reflect on why it feels so tough with your therapist, as this can uncover another layer in the process.
You’ll begin to connect to your untapped potential
One of the most empowering things about therapy is the way that it can open your eyes to your untapped potential. Most people hold limiting beliefs about themselves and their capabilities that prevent them from taking chances and trying new things.
Therapy helps to uncover and identify the blocks, as well as giving you tools to move past them. By doing this regularly, it’s possible to shake them off enough to stop them from holding you back. Once you do this, you begin to recognise that you’ve probably been getting in your own way for a very long time!
I never would have expected my life to turn out the way it has since I had my first therapy session because I didn’t recognise my potential, or that I have the freedom and the power to make different choices. Connecting with this has enabled me to gain more confidence to take risks and try new things, without focusing so much on what might go wrong. I’ve made lots of mistakes along the way, but I would say that I’ve learned more from them than the things that have gone well straightaway.
There’s always more to learn about yourself
I can’t count the number of times I’ve had a therapy session and learned something else about myself. I’ve often talked about something that I believed I’d “resolved” in some way, only to find that talking about in therapy casts a new light on it and I uncover more of my own process.
Here are some things I didn't (consciously) know about myself before therapy:
I’m more pragmatic and resourceful than I realised
I’m far more introverted than I thought, but I really love connecting with people
My core values are fairness, authenticity and kindness, and it provokes a big response in me when they’re challenged or undermined in some way
I’m so nosy, it’s ridiculous, but it’s coming from a genuinely curious place of wanting to understand rather than being “gossipy” with it!
I have a strong ‘Rescuer’ process, which means that I risk defaulting to trying to “fix” things for other people, and I have to keep a close eye on it.
Therapy is an ongoing process of exploration, curiosity and growth, and I’ve come to realise that we truly never stop learning, as long as we embrace our curiosity.
It will put your relationships into a different perspective
We all bring our pre-existing thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences of the world into our relationships, even if the relationship itself is only brief. The information we’ve gathered from our past experiences will have given us a template or blueprint for how things are likely to play out in the present relationship, and we are more likely to follow the steps based on the past experiences instead of responding the process in the here-and-now.
One of the most useful things about therapy is the way that it helps you to identify and explore the patterns that play out in your relationships, and to unpick why it happens and how you might manage it differently. Human beings are always seeking answers, and noticing that you keep getting into the same dynamics with different people is a clue that there is something deeper going on.
Understanding why you get hooked into playing out the same process over and over again will also enable you to test out alternative options that may never have occurred to you before. It also puts the other person’s role in the dynamics into a different perspective, and deepening this kind of understanding will provide an explanation - not an excuse - for why they behave the way they do. Even if the relationship has broken down beyond repair, having the insight into how and why this happened is incredibly useful and empowering for moving forwards in relationships in general.
Sometimes it will feel awkward and uncomfortable
There will inevitably be things you need to talk about in therapy that will feel awkward and uncomfortable. Sitting with the discomfort and talking about things that are difficult is a vital part of the process. It’s common for people to have learned that if they express things that feel awkward and uncomfortable, they’ll be shamed for it, so it’s safer not to talk about anything.
If I notice that I don’t want to bring something to therapy because it feels awkward and uncomfortable, I’ve found that it’s almost certainly the thing I need to talk about! When we talk about the dark, uncomfortable, murky stuff in therapy and the therapist is accepting and supportive regardless, it loses its power because we’re not on our own with it and have had a different response to talking about it.
Each time we’re met with acceptance, care and support in response to sharing things that feel uncomfortable, our confidence, self-esteem and sense of safety grows. Therapy should be a space where you are welcome as your whole self, even the parts that you might dislike.
It has the potential to be the best investment you’ll make in yourself
All of the work I’ve put into therapy (and believe me, it is work!) and the lessons I’ve taken from it have enabled me to make changes I couldn’t even have dreamed of before. From building my confidence in myself, to improving my relationships, to enabling me to identify skills and passions that I probably wouldn’t have recognised without it, therapy has absolutely changed my life for the better.
Many people forget that the knowledge and skills you develop in therapy will become life-long; there’s no expiration date to them, and the more you use them and stay aware of them, the more improvements you can make. This is why I would argue that it has the potential to be the best investment you’ll ever make in yourself.
If you’re thinking about having therapy yourself, I hope that this post gives you some insights into what to expect and the impact it can have on your life. And as ever, if you’re struggling and think I might be the therapist for you, feel free to get in touch and let’s see if we can work together. You can contact me: using the form below; via email to emma@emmapooleytherapy.com, or on Facebook and Instagram @emmapooleytherapy.