What Makes A Good Therapist?

This is a question a client asked me recently, and it’s one I’ve been reflecting on ever since. Although there isn’t a straightforward, “one size fits all” answer to it, having experienced therapy as both a therapist and as a client, I do think there are particular qualities and behaviours that can give a solid indication of a “good” therapist.

Some of the points I highlight here may not resonate for you, because just like clients who access therapy, every therapist is an individual with their own ways of working, strengths and areas for development. My hope is that this post offers some key points to consider if you’re wondering what the signs are of a “good” therapist.

They hold clear and consistent boundaries

Clear and consistent boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially in therapy. It’s important that a therapist is clear about their boundaries with things like: communication outside the session time; payments, including for any cancelled or missed sessions, and managing the time of sessions (e.g. they are on time and ready to start, and finish at the agreed time).

They should also be consistent in holding their boundaries, as this gives clients a feeling of safety and reassurance that their therapist won’t be “hot and cold” with them. If appropriate, the therapist may explain why the boundary is in place, as understanding this can give clients useful examples of boundaries they can adapt and use in their own lives.

For clients who have little to no experience of healthy boundaries being established and maintained, therapy can give them a valuable insight into how it can be done in a way that helps everyone to feel safe. This can be one of the most powerful and helpful aspects of therapy, and it’s something we can all benefit from!

They welcome you as your whole self - you don’t need to hide who you are / how you really feel

Barely slept for a week? Tell your therapist!

Feel like you could scream and cry? Tell your therapist!

Having weird dreams that make no sense? Tell your therapist!

In order for therapy to be effective, it’s important that clients feel comfortable enough to be themselves, and to be open and honest about how they really think and feel. There’s no point sugarcoating this, as it will reinforce beliefs like: “Expressing my real needs and feelings will overwhelm others”, and, “It’s my job to make sure the other person is okay”.

Therapists are trained to work with whatever comes up in a session, and this might be stuff that a client has never spoken about before. They may have felt silly or weird about it, or they may have thought that they’d be burdening the other person, so sharing it in therapy is a huge step, and this needs to be respected. Your therapist should encourage and support you to do this as much as possible.

They’re open to challenge and receiving feedback

Therapists are human first, and sometimes we will make mistakes and get things wrong. This can bring up difficult feelings for clients, and it’s important that these are shared with the therapist. A good therapist will encourage and support you to let them know when they’re wrong, and will make a genuine effort to hear you and understand where they could do better.

If your therapist has offered their reflections about something you’ve shared and it doesn’t resonate or fit for you, it’s okay to tell them that. No one knows your thoughts, feelings and experiences better than you do, so you’re allowed to clarify them if you feel misunderstood, especially in therapy.

And if you feel like your therapist has “missed” you in some way, whether that’s your needs or feelings or who you are as a person, and you’re left feeling hurt and angry, it’s okay to tell them! Doing so will give you both an opportunity to understand what happened and why you feel the way you do, as well as the chance to repair the relationship and move forwards.

They don’t pretend to know you better than you know yourself

Although therapists will often feel like they know their clients quite well if they’ve worked together for a while, the therapist still doesn’t know their clients better than they know themselves.

There will be times during discussions about particular issues that a client has been struggling with for a while when the therapist might offer a suggestion or different way of thinking about it that the client hasn’t considered before that seems to resonate for them.

That doesn’t mean that the therapist knows better, only that they can see things from a different perspective in accordance with their own experiences and beliefs about people and the world (their “frame of reference”), and that they can offer that to them.

They don’t pressure you to talk about things you’re not yet ready to discuss

Going to see a therapist if you’re struggling is a huge step, and it can be hard to open up to the therapist at first. There may be things you want to talk about but you feel ashamed or scared about what the therapist might think, and this is completely normal.

Therapists need to hold a balance between inviting a client to open up about things that are difficult in their own time, offering a gentle push when appropriate, and not pressuring them into talking about these things before they’re ready. If you ever feel like you’re not ready to talk about something in a session, it’s okay to tell your therapist and they should respect this.

They will offer their reflections and insights for you to consider

I’ve worked with a lot of clients who have had previous experiences of therapy in which the therapist has sat there saying nothing in response to what the client has shared. Clients who have experienced this said that they were left feeling adrift and unsupported, and that this was unhelpful.

Some therapeutic approaches discourage the therapist from having too much input in the session, but I think that a total lack of feedback from the therapist can be another challenge in the process for a client to manage.

I’m of the belief that one of the most important reasons why therapy can be so effective is because of the relationship between the therapist and their client. Part of this is about having an opportunity to give and receive feedback, reflections and insights that may not be offered in any other space or relationship.

Having a chance to reflect on the dynamics that play out in therapy sessions can also be a useful way to identify patterns that occur in other relationships outside therapy. This often helps clients to not only understand what happens for them in relationships, but also why it happens. These insights can enable them to approach relationships and situations in a new, healthier way, which is life-changing.

You feel supported and like they will challenge you when you need them to

Sometimes therapy is really hard because it can bring up difficult thoughts and feelings, which can feel really uncomfortable at times. A good therapist will acknowledge and validate your feelings, and be curious about them. They’ll support you to find new ways to express them and manage them, and offer you feedback throughout the process too.

Therapy is often about being challenged as well as being supported. In order to grow and change, we need to bring unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour into our awareness so that we can give ourselves the opportunity to address them. Therapists can do this in a way that not only highlights an issue, but also provides an alternative way of managing and responding to it.

They acknowledge and own their limitations

None of us knows absolutely everything about anything, and therapists are no different. Although we have a duty to do regular additional training and keep up-to-date with the latest research in mental health, that doesn’t mean that any of us will be complete experts in everything.

I don’t believe that a therapist needs to have experienced the same issues as their clients to be able to help them, but I think they need to be able to recognise when they are out of their depth. This is because trying to work with an issue that they feel is beyond their remit risks causing harm to the client, even if it’s completely unintentional.

A good therapist will discuss their concerns with the client, and support them to make a decision about how best to move forwards. This will often be in the form of providing details for another service or therapist that may be more suitable for the client.

They celebrate your wins, no matter how big or small

One of my favourite things about being a therapist is witnessing the progress my clients make throughout our work together. Their wins could be things like: managing to get out of bed, shower and put on clean pyjamas; telling someone how they really feel, or walking away from a job or relationship that’s no longer serving them.

Many people assume that therapy will focus on all of the dark, murky, uncomfortable stuff clients wrestle with, but it’s as much about celebrating growth and change as it is about the difficult things. Therapists offer support and guidance, and may be the first people to hear about a client’s successes, as well as their struggles.

At the time of writing this post, my caseload is full so I’m not taking on any new clients. If you’re struggling and would like some suggestions for other potential therapists and resources, feel free to contact me using the form below, via email to emma@emmapooleytherapy.com, or on Facebook and Instagram @emmapooleytherapy.